T O K Y O

For over 6 years, Japan was home to me. Whenever my closest friends and I have a discussion about the future, I would always mention Tokyo, as if my brain has the word TOKYO plastered on it. As if like it is something that I have no control of, how I just feel like it's the only option I know that would pan out my life in the long run. You know how you often think of situations in your life that would work out just because you have a strong feeling that it really would, regardless of what other people may think about it, but the idea alone overwhelms and excites you at the same time? like how all your instincts tell you that you're going to end up in this situation one way or another, like its the only thing that you're very sure of-- that's how I feel about the place.  To say that I am in love with the city is an understatement. I am in love with chaos that happens when I'm alone walking down the street, thinking that there's so much happening in life that I don't know about. I am in love with the silence that happens after all the stores close at 21:00. I am in love with the secret side of Tokyo, getting lost in a treasure trove of places that only your feet can show you ( and google maps when not cooperating, but still ). I love how the strong wind helps the leaves fall off the Ginkgo tree. I am in love with the city lights, and even the fairy lights that help quaint small restaurants attract customers (mostly couples) not just for food but comfort. I love how Kairo makes me feel in the cold. I am in love with how Karaokes look like after 2 am, how a room of 10 people become 4 people, and from 4 become 2. I love how 6 AM train rides in the winter feel like-- just before the rush hour, when you can still sit anywhere, the heater on, as you watch the sunrise from the window. I guess I am a fan of its imperfection-- that no matter how lively the city gets, you can still feel loneliness somewhere in the air, as if its part of what makes the place Tokyo. Typing this makes me realize why I see myself living in this place, and maybe it's because I see myself in it. In this place, I see me.

Love always, E

P.S. made a video for you

                     

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Thank u, next

Nope, I'm not gonna be dropping names of my ex crushes, ex lover or relationships I've dealt with along similar lines (not even a lot to be honest, and I mean I could but that's gonna take a lot of 'splaining to do) , just thought of doing something new on the blog, is all. I've been getting a lot of requests from friends, and if you're on this blog for quite a while, you know that I did make some videos in the past which I deleted for some reason-- maybe it was the fact that I knew I was not prepared to commit, or maybe it was because I'm still uncomfortable talking in front of the camera, my indecisiveness trying to win over my life (yet again) but I guess it failed this time *wink*. Just a disclaimer,  know there's a lot of makeup shenanigans happening on the video, it does not entirely mean that I'll be doing makeup tutorials from now on, FYI, I still suck at it-- maybe a 2.0 version of videos that I did before, film diaries, mood through visuals, to name a few, but then again, you might end up watching a video of me talking about my make-up routine, with or without my sister's approval (a.k.a someone who has expert knowledge in make up), coz I'm bad*ss like that.

Love always, E

P.S. I'm kidding, I love you sis.

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22 and redundant

Almost a month later after my birthday, 23 days to be precise, (as if saying that is gonna help my excuse to be more reasonable as to why I was MIA on this online diary of mine 23 days ago ....a.k.a my birthday) thoughts still stuck between my mind and mouth unable to construct the right words or even think of a killer opening line to continue typing, failing in my attempts to contribute to my birthday archives, but in my defense, I was living in the moment (haha nice one)... an even more acceptable reason would be the journal that I purchased a few months ago ( which is updated during weekends or when I spent money on something--receipts filed in to remind me on how much I easily give in to such an impulsive act) so technically, I am not doing a bad job with preserving memories, even with my inability to construct sentences or concepts to put on this online journal these past few weeks. Include the fact that I had to work the night shift before my birthday, and continue on with the celebration with no sleep ( actually, I did get some sleep in the car whilst my family decided to go thrift shopping without me, woke up from my nap and found myself in the parking lot, and decided to get more nap instead lol) followed by a surprise visit from my best friend who came all the way from chiba just to greet me personally, there was just no time to sit and conclude the day with at least a thousand words even if I had the whole day to think ( wow, I think I'm convinced enough), but still doesn't also change the fact this post is 23 days overdue. Despite being sleep deprived and all the other shenanigans that happened on my birthday, it was an intimate time with my family and I couldn't think of any other people to celebrate it with. I have yet to publish the pictures of when I went to a museum with my good friend Akina san but photos below are taken by my mom, the person I should be thanking for for bringing me into this world (succesfully after hours in labor) , and one of the people I celebrate my birth month with, alongside other special people in my life that are also September babies (apparently I know a lot, you guys know who you are, cheers). Enough of me with the open and close parenthesis (it’s quite a favorite habit of mine, see?) and go straight with my near-closing phrase on my birthday posts, and that ofcourse is to genuinely thank everyone who’s always been there for me. I don’t get to thank you everyday for being there, and I don’t intend to thank you only on my birthday, but I still take it as an opportunity to express my gratitude for always... well, being there. The world is already filled with so much hate, and life can give you so much sh*t to stress and worry about; and I apologize if I had been the sh*t some people had to deal with, but here I am thanking everyone who still keeps up and never gets tired with me and my sh*t. Without you guys, it’s just me and again, my sh*t, so thank you for keeping me sane or if not, at least thank you for being insane with me. 

Love always, E

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Felt you

My summer in a nutshell. Well, I was given at least 5 days off work and knowing my bummed self, I was pretty sure I could have spent it in my room, catching up on running man or some shows on Netflix, munching on some konbini junk food whilst I question the perplexities of life as I wake up with more zits on my face and my futile attempts of encouraging or rather convincing myself that this is just a phase a.k.a PMS, regardless of the amount of fried chicken I ate within a week and how I'm ducking out of the situation thats happening whilst I type on my laptop coz I'm still bothered by my acne at the moment but...my sister dragged me to the beach (woo! you did a good job there, Ena). I do love the beach, and it's been awhile since I've been so it was totally not a bad idea other than the fact that I forgot to put sunscreen on my back and now I have tan lines on... you guessed it right, my back-- just my back *laughs awkwardly*. Nevertheless.... it was a great escape from the hustle and bustle of city life. The 6-hour car ride was a pain in the ass though, both figuratively and physically speaking. I hope you like the photos as much as I did compiling them. Photos taken with my film camera/phone. Made a playlist on my Soundcloud and Spotify account as some of my favorites were not available on Soundcloud. Give it a listen when you're free or just bored.
Love always, E

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once upon a time

I've been staring at my laptop for who knows how long. I should have known, after years of writing on this blog, this is just how I greet my readers. Hello from a person struggling to think of a good way to start a comeback post or  should I say story? Yeah, i'm convinced this is a story. Not something you would share to your grandchildren with high hopes of fairy tale endings, though-- not even close.

A girl fell in love

with the idea of love and being in love

Being in love with who, you may ask

to tell the truth, she wouldn't answer with a person's name

but maybe if you ask her about a memory she had

then maybe she would have had a lot to say.

She was a hopeless romantic, maybe she still is

a truckload of happy memories 

drowning in nostalgia and what ifs

trading one heartbreak for another

as her body trembles

more at night

groaning with thoughts

wanting to be with the person

who gave the heartache and sleepless nights

midnight strikes and she's all alone

the thought of it

drains her energy

unable to hide

a familiar feeling

of longing for that person

who can never feel the same way 

maybe this is a vow I call

La Doleur Exquise

a promise I didn't know I made

til I encountered broken smiles and empty promises

and let these feelings habituate

as my heart keeps getting hurt anyway

This is not a love story.

Love always,

Ena

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